yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
