and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Randomize
