my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
