Umm I'm too high to move.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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