i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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