oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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