You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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