I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
