party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
