Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
