She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i wish my penis had a tongue
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
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