i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
