I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
True college students do jello shots in the library
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
