Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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