Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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