I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
