saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
