we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
