he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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