nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
