I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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