I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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