I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
