His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
