His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
