The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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