Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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