why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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