she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
