May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
