I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Drake has all the answers
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
