is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
