Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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