Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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