our cab driver is having phone sex.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You have to summon your inner elephant
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
