it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
