I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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