my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
