Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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