My brain says no but my pants say off.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
