Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
