I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
