I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
