i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
