me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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