it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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