I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
