was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
