What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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