now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's blow job season.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
