I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
