The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
