its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
