He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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