my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
