grandma shit on top of the toilet
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
