Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
